Apparently I’ve been distracting myself with little “life” things to protect myself from feeling hopeful. And I’ve been covering it with cynicism. Better to be cynical and safe than hopeful and disappointed.
There’s this layering thing I do.
- Deep down, there’s hope.
- Then I distract myself from feeling hopeful so I won’t be disappointed if it doesn’t work out.
- Meanwhile, I act positive on the outside so no one knows (including me).
- All the while, I keep running in place – going no where.
Every time hope tries to exert itself, my Magician steps in with a sleight of hand. Look over here. Shiny! And I’m safe once again from the risk of failure, risk of disappointment – and the risk of living!
If that’s protection, I’d rather be vulnerable!